And 5 months later...

Well hello there. No, I didn't forget about you. You know how life is, so forgive me for not writing.

It is after 1am, and I am having one of my "bipolar" moments - no, I am not diagnosed as bipolar, though some in my family have been and since, I have wondered if it is something that I will be cursed with as well. A "bipolar" moment to me is when something just is out of the ordinary for me and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it, such as right now. I am so tired. I was ready for bed and in it before 11pm. Then Brett and I started talking. I love these moments with him. Lately it feels like we are around each other all day but don't really talk (or get to talk), so when bedtime comes, we like to talk. While we were praying, I started to drift off, and not long after we finshed our prayers, I fell asleep. Unfortunately, not long after I had fallen asleep, I was woken up by a 5 month old. Rarely he will wake up and fall back asleep in a couple minutes, but I waited to see if he would. He didn't. My hubby offered to go change the little one's diaper to see in that would help. It didn't. So, not long after 11:30pm, I was back on mommy duty.

After Levi went back to bed (somewhere between 12 and 12:15am), I was wide awake. Tired, but awake. So, like I often do, I got on my phone and on facebook. I became captivated by reading someone's blog. Before I knew it, it was 12:45am. I needed to go to sleep. I layed there trying to close my eyes and drift off again, but just couldn't. Too many thoughts? I don't know...I was annoyed that I was awake. Annoyed that the street light in the park across from our house seems to go on and off every couple minutes. Annoyed that I was hungry. Annoyed that house noises I never seem to notice seemed loud. Annoyed that I was awake yet so tired.

So here I am. Eating some cereal, wishing I was sleeping, but wondering why I am awake. Sometimes when this happens, I choose to get up and read my Bible. These moments then become precious time with the Lord, and that is why I must be awake...the Lord desperately wants some time with just me. But, honestly, I'm not feeling that way right now. I'm feeling more of a need to just process. What, I'm not sure.

Ugh. I should just go to bed. Maybe I will eat one more bowl of cereal. Maybe I will read my Bible. Maybe I am bipolar. ;)

Treasures in darkness

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
-Isaiah 45:3

This was a sweet truth that was shared during the women's conference I got to attend earlier this month for staff in our region. For once, I felt comfortable in my skin and not insecure. I think because of where I am personally and with the Lord, this was the best conference I have been to since I've been on staff (almost 6 years). It was sweet. And this verse stuck out. I began this school year full of questions and insecurities and in darkness. Even though I still experience dark places and trials, the Lord is using truths like this to show me that it's not all bad. Treasures in darkness...really? Yes, really. And it may not be the treasure I'm expecting, but one treasure is always the Lord. He is with me, even in the darkness.


If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, "
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
-Psalm 139: 11,12

More from "Beloved"

Long before any human being saw us, we are seen by God's loving eyes...
Our preciousness, uniqueness, and individuality are not given to us by those who meet us in clock-time - our brief chronological existence - but by the One who has chosen us with an everlasting love, a love that existed from all eternity and will last through all eternity.

Henri J.W. Nouwen

Journaling

I am selfish.
I am sinful.
I am sorry.
I am saved.

Overwhelmed

With where we are right now with the house, I can tend to become pretty paralyzed. What do I mean? I mean we have spoken to 2 realtors/brokers who have been so wonderful and truthful. I don't think we'll loose money on this house, but we may not make money either, and my hubby does not like that idea. The idea of renting it out for who knows how long has been tossed about. In the meantime, the list of things that need to be done to the house (or just could be done to the house) seems to be weighing on me like a ton of _____(fill in the blank...a ton is a ton, people). When I feel this overwhelming feeling, I shut down. I become unmotivated to work on anything unless it involves the computer, photography, a movie, or Newman-O's. These are my current escapes. Honestly, I just want to get this house on the market. I just want it to sell...I don't care how much for. I just want to be done with it. I'm ready to move on, even if it means renting in Greeley. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK. Reality check. Things need to get done. And it's not "all bad." And if I keep eating Newman-O's, I'll probably get sick.

Reality check. GOD is in control. He knows what's best for us and what He has in store.

Reality check. He loves me (and so does my hubby). Take more time to just be with Him and listen. He's such a good...no, great GOD!