So many questions and fears

A lot has been going on recently...the school year at UNC came to an end, we're buying a house, I took pictures for our next-door neighbors, and I started another class with Illuminate Workshops. On top of all that, Luke (and eventually the rest of us) got sick this past week (thankfully, we are all recovering without any visits to the doctor), and we also cancelled a road trip we (mostly me) had planned.

Anyway, I came home last night from my "Passion + Profits" class ready to take steps to start a photography business. When I think about it, there seem to be several reasons to do it, and the top one is the fact that people are pursuing me to take their pictures or pictures of their loved ones. I don't charge anything, but Brett & even those I have taken pictures of tell me I should.

So, what is holding me back?

With my ministry/job with Crusade, I've thought that you can not have another job, with the exception of when you are first raising support. It turns out, this isn't completely true, but I need to talk to those "above" me about what this could look like for me.

Another fear that holds me back...lack of "education". In college, I studied education, not photography. How can I make a profession out of something I didn't go to school for? My neighbor tells me it doesn't matter...it's a craft. And like I've said, others have encouraged me to get paid! I also fear I have a lack of equipment...basic Canon Rebel dslr, one good lens, and photoshop elements for me. Can I really ask people to pay for my services when I feel like I should have "better stuff"?

Ah fear. I know you all too well. And Jesus (along with angels) tell me not to fear. So why can't I help but do it? Am I sinning? Am I not trusting God? Am I just not wanting to make decisions for myself?

These are just a few of my questions and fears for now. I'd appreciate prayer.

Treasures in darkness

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.
-Isaiah 45:3

This was a sweet truth that was shared during the women's conference I got to attend earlier this month for staff in our region. For once, I felt comfortable in my skin and not insecure. I think because of where I am personally and with the Lord, this was the best conference I have been to since I've been on staff (almost 6 years). It was sweet. And this verse stuck out. I began this school year full of questions and insecurities and in darkness. Even though I still experience dark places and trials, the Lord is using truths like this to show me that it's not all bad. Treasures in darkness...really? Yes, really. And it may not be the treasure I'm expecting, but one treasure is always the Lord. He is with me, even in the darkness.


If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, "
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
-Psalm 139: 11,12

Forgiveness

I love Jesus. Yesterday I had a counselling appointment, and I've been sharing my history for several appointments now. She has asked questions about my parents, grandparents, siblings, schools, jobs, etc. By the time the session was over yesterday, we were discussing my dating history and I only got to the end of my junior year of high school...when I broke a good guy's heart by kissing another guy and breaking up with him to date the other. Yuck! My heart hurt as I talked about it. But soon after that, as my counselor was praying for me, I quickly felt the Lord's Peace again. He reminded me of what he did on the cross and also reminded me of the sweet moment when I was a freshman at Southwest Missouri State and I was sitting in an auditorium in Hill Hall (with over 100 other people) when I first heard that His coming, death, and resurrection were powerful, were real, and were for me. I fell in LOVE with Jesus. He forgave me a long time ago, and even though there is still hurt when I talk about my past, I know it is just out of my own disappointment and regret, but not out of shame. My past and the lessons I have learned have helped to shape me into who I am and who the Lord is still changing. To sweeten this reminder, as I was driving home, there were two songs that played that were radio hits from my early college career. One was from Lifehouse (fun and full of truth) and the other from Smashmouth (just fun). I had the windows down and turned up the radio. I sang along and just delighted in sweet memories of my relationship with Jesus.

A craving

I'm about 13 weeks along, and I have not had a craving for anything in weeks. Tonight, I decided to actually try and plan some meals again. The first thing on my list...Emily's White Chicken Chili from the Cru Chili Cookoff '09. :) I need to actually print the recipe because I've made it several times, but always go to Amber's blog to find it. Thank goodness for the internet. ;) Amber's post recommends Fritos as a garnish. So, while I'm not making the chili until tomorrow, my sweet hubby is on his way to Safeway right now to buy me a bag of Fritos so I can start munching on them tonight! I'm really looking forward to my salty snack. The little things. :)

Papa

I mentioned grandpa. Luke started saying "Papa".

Actually, he usually whispers it.

My parents came to visit for a couple days, then traveled around Arizona & Utah, and then stopped in Greeley for a couple more days before returning to good ole C.B.

It was sweet to see Luke enjoying his grandpa. Even now, after they are back in the midwest, Luke still asks for "Papa." He's attached. ;)

From Jesus

"I am with you always."

Matthew 28:20

"The Lord's promises are pure..."
-Proverbs 12:6